i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
