We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
