I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
