I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
