Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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