It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
accomplished twins. life is a go
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
