so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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