apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
