im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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