I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
