That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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