I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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