I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
