if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
