How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
