and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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