my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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