rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
