Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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