Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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