I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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