My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
