I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
