He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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