Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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