next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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