I looked at my own cervix.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
