apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
