I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
