The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
