sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
