Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
