so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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