When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
