we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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