i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
