I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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