Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
