so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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