Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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