I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My balls are so social today.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
