I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
foreskin is a definite game changer
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
