I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
