everyone is single if you try hard enough
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
