At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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