there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
