in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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