he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
