evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
