He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
