How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
