Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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